some important things first
- i lost my iphone
- i've got no whatsapp
- but i've got awesome friends, love love
i've always believed that change is inevitable and 'change is the only constant' was the only thing i took away from my civics and moral lesson in secondary school. whenever change happens, i would shrug and go 'oh well, life happens', but now i wonder if it's a good thing to anticipate change.
see, i once believed in a 'forever', but of course, life happens and things change, and anyone who wrote a 'let's be friends 4eva!!!!' in an autobiography book back in primary school would know that, so it is practically unrealistic to think of a forever, isn't it?
i raised this issue to my dearest roommate because she told me that she would regard certain friends as forever. and then i was like I DON'T GEDDIT. and then i got it. i used to (or maybe i still do) think that friends come and go, whatever happens would happen, and i'll leave it all up to life. but maybe if i want my friends to last forever, maybe, they would. it's because of that WANT. i guess there would be a difference in the way i treat my friends because of this mindset. (wow i really do have issues, i just used 'you' and 'your' instead of 'i' and 'my' just to detach myself from this hmmmm but at least i'm aware, i guess). if i'm already anticipating the change, then i wouldn't put any effort in to anything because well eventually, these friends are gonna go anyway. i think the effort matters, i think. but i guess i'm afraid of things. yknow, scary things.
i think i've been protecting myself a lot. idk for what and i have no idea why, my expectations are ridiculously low for everything in life. why do things look so much more complicated when i type them all out? my mind is so tangled up.
pOINT IS I DON'T WANT TO HAVE FEELINGS
and that shall be the title. but i love my friends, sigh :(
i'm not the same any more...i'm starting to care but I DON'T WANT TO
life is so conflicting
i'm supposed to be a horse, wild and free
